Not dependent on me.

"My forgiveness does not depend on you asking for it."

These are the words I so clearly heard spoken to me yesterday as I spent time with the Father. I had just finished reading The Chasm by Randy Alcorn. Talk about an intense read and a clear enough picture that I will probably never forget it! In my past I've always struggled with a bit of legalism mixed in with my theology. If someone asked me if you could earn your way into the Kingdom, or into the Savior's love, or into the community of the Way, I would say, "No way!" However, my heart has had a bit of trouble fully agreeing with this. It isn't something I have always recognized.. it was rather something that Dad has had to pry into the deepest recesses of my heart to show me. If I did something wrong, I would ask for forgiveness, but instead of the knowledge that His answer is ALWAYS a resounding "Yes," there was a small, hidden room with a little person, in the back of mind, screaming silently but deadly, "What if He says 'No! I've forgiven you too many times for this! Not this time!'"

Yesterday, when I heard His words, I had to ponder them. Did He mean to say that we do not have to ask for forgiveness? Surely not! What was He trying to tell me? I just didn't get it. So I analyzed, all day, and I asked and asked, and listened and listened. And finally I heard this response:

"Kaley, when I died, my blood covered every one of your sins. Each drop covered a multitude of the tiny nails that you drive into my feet (The Chasm). When you sin, yes, in that moment you are hostile to Me (Romans 8:7), and yes, it breaks My heart. But it has been covered. And nothing you can do surprises Me. I know what is coming. I knew what was coming in every future moment on the day that you first accepted me. But when you sin, then have a moment of not wanting to ask for forgiveness because you're afraid of my response? That means that you think forgiveness is based on YOUR ASKING. It is as though YOU, not I hold the power."

I had to wrestle with this. It was deeper than I knew what to do with at the moment. Wow. And then I tried to come up with an analogy. Most frequently my analogies deal with my job. This one was no different. When parents send their children to a boarding school, the children do not get a say in it. They can either accept it or not accept it, but neither will change the fact that they are there. Most of them for the entirety of a year. The World Maker died for me. I can either accept His blood or not accept it, but neither will change the fact that His blood was spilled for my sins. He forgave me before I accepted Him, and continues to forgive me whether or not I ask for that forgiveness. It doesn't mean that I should stop seeking forgiveness. But my issue is a heart issue. So instead of a question that could have a "yes" or "no" answer (Will you forgive me?), I need to change my thought/prayer pattern to "I accept Your blood, I accept that You took a nail or a thorn or a slap for what I just did. Thank You." And hopefully it turns my heart more toward grace rather than toward an opening for fear. Thank You, Yesu.